“Disillusioned” is how I would describe my state of mind these days. Disenchanted with the idea of finding a ‘passion’ and living happily doing what I love, disappointed with myself, but still not discouraged. Those were all the synonyms I could find. Waking up to find my favorite YouTube video removed and attending classes in which the Professor says “Nothing really works, that’s life” does not help in any way. It is only last night that I could spare some time to watch a movie after more than a month of being so busy that I cannot have five-minute conversations with my roommates.
Solving a problem gives some humans an immense amount of satisfaction, whereas it could be cuddling with a dog for some others. The happiness on their faces would be unmistakable and similar. I assumed writing is what does it for me, but have come to question if I am any good at that too. Maybe it is better than being complacent. Quora, something for which I made time even amid this tight schedule is slowly letting me down. Not in terms of the content, but I agonize over how I will never be able to be like the erudite people who are entertaining and informative at the same time. It is intimidating to be surrounded by smart people who seem to be able to accomplish a lot more than I ever try, in real life as well as the virtual world. I utter nothing when my classmates are talking about what they did during their internships and also about their preparation for job interviews. The only thing I am doing right is that I remain exceedingly patient.
Being with clever people has it perks too. Some of them are never reticent about their idiosyncrasies. It is easy to catch them breaking into a song in the oddest voice and accent in the heat of the moment, never bothered about what anybody would think. For someone like me who is amused easily, this is definitely food for laughter. Moreover, I am fascinated observing others’ thought process, when they are in their ‘zone’. When I am stuck with a problem, the best I can do is try for a couple of hours, ask a few people for a solution and if nothing comes of it, sleep on it and hope that someone would have solved it while I was asleep. However, I have seen persistence in action and know that nothing comes easy. I was wrong if I thought I was done learning.
I have been using a lot of Linux (an operating system, for the uninitiated) commands since the beginning of this course. It makes me feel like a true ‘programmer’, but when I Google the problems I face and see that others have asked the same questions more than a decade ago, the fascination takes a back seat and the realization that if I truly need to make a mark, I have to be creative with this, dawns on me. The name of the Linux operating system that we use, called Ubuntu, is a term which means “human kindness.” It is too much to expect that from a machine, after all. It was probably meant to remind us who use it, to incorporate some in our lives, rather than slowly turning into devices that run mechanically and try to achieve more each passing day.