Nothing is as simple as it seems anymore! Here I am, lying on my bed, contemplating life, wondering if I am not able to sleep because I had a three hour long nap soon after getting back home in the evening (certainly an odd time to sleep) or because I was feeling sad. Yes, melancholy it is! Melancholy – that word reminds me of Orhan Pamuk. He talks extensively about melancholy in his book ‘Istanbul’, which was so captivating that it was a part of my Facebook password for a few years. Nevertheless, I could not get to the root of all the anguish in my mind. I could only feel the lump in my throat, which suggested it was rather serious. I tried to reason it out, recalling all that had happened during the day, to identify the problem. I hate to admit it, but it was probably just a conversation I had with my roommate. I could not come to terms with the fact that some of us would be graduating in the subsequent semesters and life as I know it was going to change, again! I had harbored a false security in my mind, which I thought would help me get through to the end of my course.
I got lost in the flurry of images that crowded my mind. If life made a list of all the people who have been through a lot, I would not be one of them. However, a great deal seems to have happened since I came here! My mind raced through the times when I tried to fine-tune myself to the mannerisms of my roommates and succeeded. During the initial days in LA, I dreamt of Bangalore every night. They featured either my friends or my family. Soon I was thinking about the conversations we had at home, about studies and other things alike.
It was tough getting used to all the beautiful and well dressed people around and not feel inferior. I started experiencing the need to fit in and look good in Bangalore, but it got to me here. What I seem to lack, I always attempted to make up with good spirits. It was time to realize that life is what you make out of it, no matter what anybody else said. I am now a quieter person, keeping myself from uttering anything against the tiny quirks of others which displeases me at times. It was a revelation that these silly thoughts go away in no time, and do not deserve the importance that I think they do.
Work taught me how important it is to be amicable always. I was happy observing people say ‘My day is awesome now that I have seen you’ and ‘I am standing right here only to see you smile, that is all I want’ to each other at work, without sounding too cheesy. It was too much to take that someone would be offended if you did not smell good! Then there are people who literally laugh out loud and whistle and sing to their heart’s content, no matter where they are, always an inspiration for me. I am also trying to master the art of complimenting people with ease.
I could not help but think of my friends back home who were up for a video call any time I wanted, but later became so busy, what with their busy work schedules and the never-ending Bangalore traffic. I had needed four years to make a handful of good friends, and wondered if two years here would be enough to foster ties that would last forever.
I could feel the change when I had to take decisions at short notice, relying on nobody but myself. I am that much closer to being the strong, independent woman (the irony!) that I need to be. It is always a tough call to prioritise that adventurous, alluring outing with friends as opposed to spending the day in front of the laptop trying to finish an assignment.
The get-togethers to prepare and enjoy delicious food – the special dishes we miss from home, are so much dear to me. I do not know if the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but you will definitely leave a mark on my mind through my stomach. I have also transformed myself into a decent cook under my roommates’ patronage, though delectable dishes are still out of my reach. Meanwhile, going to a hospital here is such an expensive affair that I decided I would consult a doctor the next time only if I am dying. I was disappointed that the hospital did not look anything like the spick and span places shown on English series. The hospital bills would drive anybody into a state of despair, as was the case with me.
I was done ruminating soon, fell asleep, and probably started dreaming. I do not know if it is a sign of depression when you think you are an investment gone awry. If it is so, I was depressed, but soon got back on track. If there is anything that I can absorb from all the genial people I have met, it is the instinct to smile and remain upbeat no matter what we have to endure. That is easier said than done, but definitely worth a try!